Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
