i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
