Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Randomize
