he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I have already put on my inside pants.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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