I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
