I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
