Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
