the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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