This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
