Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
