Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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