I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
