the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
