a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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