I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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