I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
