I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
