She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
