Apparently you make a good broom.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
