the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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