There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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