It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize