I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
