He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
