So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
how do flat chested girls get laid?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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