i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
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