it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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