so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
