I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I'm really busy with my period
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