umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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