You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
