wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
