I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
