If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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