Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
