i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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