I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Success! We fucked roommates!
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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