his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
