My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
