I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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