Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Randomize
