My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
