you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
