Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
