i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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