My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
