just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I need a beard to bite.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
