if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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