I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
