I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
