Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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