I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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