Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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