I'm going to jail i love you
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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