This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Sorry about my life...
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
