i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
