Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Randomize
