Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
