is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
