when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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